Welcome to Unwritten's little corner of the the A-Z Blogging Challenge! If you want to see the whole lineup, click HERE!
Day 6 brings us something author Tricia Kristufek calls a little "scene", one that has been playing out in her mind and may spark a longer story in the very near future. Read this detective mystery opener and let Tricia know what you think!
F is for...The Finder
“But I didn’t even get to ask you yet, Frankie!” Joe
called back, sliding into the chair in front of me.
“The question has been the same every day this week.
Answer’s still no.”
“I know you can figure it out, and the police aren’t
even going to try, Frankie.” Joe ran his hand through his slick hair, slinking
farther down into the chair. “You have to help her.”
I sighed and looked up. “Joe, the police have done all
they can. What makes you think I can do more?”
“I know you can! It’s what you do – you help people
find things!”
“Things. Not people.” I went back to the papers on my
desk. I knew if I entertained Joe for a few minutes, he would eventually get up
and go back to the bar next door. While not the best scenario, it was the best I
was willing to give him. No use giving false hope.
Joe sat up quickly, knocking the business card holder
off the desk. Distracted, he bent to pick one up. Turning it towards me, he
pointed. “Finder of things once lost.”
Leaning forward, he put the card in my face. “I know you can help, Frankie.
Please. For me. If not for her, do it for your brother.”
“You know that’s not how it works, Joe.” I sighed
again. “You know I hate it when you call me ‘Frankie.’ Look, I’ll ask around.
But that’s it. I can’t believe I’m agreeing to do even that—oof!” All the air
rushed out of my chest as Joe leapt across the desk, knocked me, him and the
chair over, Joe landing on top of the pile. “Joe, I can’t breathe.”
Grinning like a jackal, Joe slid off him. “I knew it,
Frankie! I knew you’d do the right thing and help me!”
Standing up, I wasn’t sure what I should tell him.
Ignoring him for the week didn’t help, and I didn’t think that there was
anything that I could do that the police haven’t already tried. But, he was
family, and even if he didn’t know what he was getting into, I did.
Some people, once lost, shouldn’t be found.
Walking around the desk, I picked up the fallen cards,
thinking. “Go home, Joe. No stopping at the bar tonight, ok? In fact, that’s my
fee—your sobriety.” I looked up. “Is she worth that to you?”
“Sure. Sure, Frankie.” His face took a more sober
look, as if to show me he could do it if he wanted to. “Straight home. And
you’ll call if you find out anything, right? I mean—“
“If I find anything, I’ll call the police,” I said,
cutting him off. “Now go home, before I change my mind. Seems I have some more
work to do tonight.”
“Thanks, Frankie!” Joe, grinning again, thumped me on
the back before shuffling off towards the door. “I owe you!”
Yeah, right,
I thought.
Leaning back in my chair, I glanced at the only
personal touch on my desk. The photo was old, but still captured the zest and
life in her eyes. Her hair cascaded down her shoulders, continuing down to her
waist, I knew, even though the photo stopped well before that. A soft smile on
her lips and a spark in her eyes. How I missed that smile.
Not for Joe,
I thought, but for you. I’d do anything
for you, Tina.
****
Tricia Kristufek has an avid reading complex. After starting her book review blog, she got involved in editing and now has several author's works under her belt. Her own writing is generally fantasy, but she has delved into the world of romance lately. When not writing or editing, she can be found with her nose in a book, passing on her love of books to her daughter or playing with stray animals.
Twitter - @TriciaKristufek
Intriguing, I definitely want to know more! Hope you continue this story, Tricia, as the except has left all kinds of questions in my mind!
ReplyDeleteYep. Gifted editor AND writer. I loved this snippet.
ReplyDeleteSplitter
F is for Fantastic! I hope you don't mind that I picked you for the One Lovely Blog Award!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! I really think there's a whole story here. Now I just have to write it!
ReplyDeleteWow! I am so intrigued! I do hope you keep going with this and write a full novel! I would totally read it :)
ReplyDeleteAna
http://book-spark.blogspot.com/
Very enjoyable writing style - the story reminds me of the television show by the same name -- did you write the script :)
ReplyDeleteJudy - I did not! I didn't know that was a TV show. Hm, wonder how that went? :)
ReplyDeletegoogle "the finder" - american television series. It's somewhat based on "The Locator" series of two books written by Richard Greener. Main character (the finder) is Walter - as the result of a Iraq war injury, he's become this master finder guy - obsessed with any job he takes on until he find the object - or person.
DeleteYour tale, obviously, takes the idea onto a different track. I would love to read a completed work from you. I really enjoyed the writing in this post.
Yeah, seems I live under a rock and don't watch enough tv. The name can change, of course, if I finish it. And it seems that the intro went over well enough I shouldn't put off finishing it. :)
DeleteOh, you're kidding, right? I mean you have to be kidding because you totally ripped off the "fluff" style and mood of that TV show. It's a spinoff show from the more-successful BONES franchise. It's not a very successful spinoff so far; maybe it'll get better but I've given up watching it.
DeleteSo my reaction is both good and bad.
I was thinking this was a fun enough fluff piece (good) until it turned cartoon-style here (bad):
Look, I’ll ask around. But that’s it. I can’t believe I’m agreeing to do even that—oof!” All the air rushed out of my chest as Joe leapt across the desk, knocked me, him and the chair over, Joe landing on top of the pile. “Joe, I can’t breathe.”
Leapt across the table? Really? You envision this guy actually "leaping" over and across a table? Yep, that's when it went from fluff to cartoon for me. If it were a whole book with stuff like this, I'd put it down, sorry to say. Choreography in a mystery/detective novel of all things really has to work and NOT be Roger Rabbitt style.
I know why everyone likes it though:
(a) As I said it's a nice fluff piece, easy reading, light and not too serious. Far more importantly, though, is
(b) You have some great characterizations here.
You just need a worthy plot to put them in! Don't shy away from writing a substantive mystery or solid plot. It's one thing to make a story "light and airy" and another to make "fluffy light."
I think a mystery/detective story (which is how you're touting this) really shouldn't be fluffy light but a female protagonist can do the swishy skirt, strappy sandals light and airy walk through the plot if you like and then it's just HER instead of the plot.
Thanks for your feedback Webbiegirl. I hope Tricia continues to work on this, and I'm sure she'll use all these comments constructively. Have a great weekend!
Delete"I think a mystery/detective story (which is how you're touting this) really shouldn't be fluffy light but a female protagonist can do the swishy skirt, strappy sandals light and airy walk through the plot if you like and then it's just HER instead of the plot."
DeleteSomehow, I don't think Frank will look good in lipstick... I don't think I'm up for a crossdresser as my lead character :)
There ya go Tricia - it's like 6 more people all waiting for your story to play out.
ReplyDeleteSo, enough of the tease - We Demand MORE! :)
I want more. This was excellent. I'm just A to Z-ing it.
ReplyDeleteThat is great, Tricia! Looks like the beginning of a series.
ReplyDeleteInteresting Blog, Tricia. Always good to meet a fellow animal lover :)
ReplyDelete